Weapons Formed Against Me

Looking for a husband in Port Harcourt is not for the faint-hearted ni. 

When people said that nearly every man in Lagos is mad, hmm... them never meet Port Harcourt men o. 

 Those one's na principalities and powers. And if you come dey unlucky come jam the church bros among them... Ah, my sister, sister. Na weapons fashioned against you be that o. 

Anyway. Na me go find trouble. No. I mustn't blame myself. It was my village people who wouldn't allow me to drink water and drop cup because I was thirty and yet to drag a man down to the village to pay my bride price. 

The last time I attended our family meeting, I couldn't count the many times I was reminded of my single pringlehood. Every little pim I uttered earned me a side-eye from my mother whom I knew would have asked me to hide under the bed if she could because Ukamaka and Erimma, my much younger cousins were coming for the meeting and they were all married with kids. 

I deliberately chose to be part of that meeting because...what was our slogan again for this year? 

Yes, no gree for anybody. 

Na single I dey, I no kill anybody. 

And I'd had enough of family and friends shaming me because I didn't have a man. I'd avoided gatherings because of their sniggers and outright mockery. This year? Na me and them. 

See ehn... I didn't start this adulthood that is not really adulting to be single. But all the men I have been meeting had a way of making my head scream " I want to goooooo hooooommmmeeee!"

Like...where were all those cute, loyal, well-behaved guys with a sprinkle of godliness? 

Why was I meeting only deliverance cases and god forbid situations? 

The story long sha, but I would tell it. 

 

                              *****

So I promised to tell you about my husband hunting around the city of Port Harcourt, and how the quest nearly left me looking like dehydrated catfish. 

My name is Ifenkili by the way, and of course, I am a very beautiful woman. I'm sexy and I know it, thank you. Oh, oh, one more thing. My culinary prowess is top notch too. 

So, before you concluded that I couldn't cook and clean and that was why this particular guy treated me like an orphaned smoked fish in an evening market, cut me some slack, inugo?

I met Diepreye at the wedding of one girl who was desperate to find a chief bridesmaid rich enough to foot her own bills. 

Yes, you heard me right.

Auntie was looking for a money lady who would be able to buy her own gown and accessories and pay for her own make-up and hair styling. 

Unfortunately, the lot fell on me!

She wasn't my friend. Just a random girl I met in my friend's hair salon. 

The werey presented herself as a charity case while begging my friend Ale to stand as her bridesmaid, swearing with A to Z and everything in between that she had no money—she was paying for everything about the wedding...the hall, refreshments, cake and decorations, I could swear with my left butt cheek that she was buying the suit for the guy to. 

With my eyes glued to my phone that had brother Oghene's six "How are you...have you eaten?" WhatsApp messages spread on the screen and my mind arguing whether to curse the living daylight out of him and then block him or to just simply block him, I didn't pay much interest in the the conversation going on around me. 

Not until I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a soft voice very close to me.

"Auntie..."

I lifted my head and it was the burden-bearing, bills-paying, loving bride-to-be.

"Auntie..."

First off, I didn't think I was way too older than she was. Two or three years older perhaps. So she shouldn't be addressing me as her auntie. 

With a patronizing smile on my face, I said, "My name is Ifenkili. Call me Ife."

"Okay...eh...Ife. This auntie here said I should talk to you." 

"About..." I followed the finger she wielded like a weapon to where Aleruchi was stifling a grin. 

"She said you can be my bridesm—"

"Bride...w-what?"

I shot Ale a look. For what nau? How could she suggest such a degrading thing? The last time I was anybody's bridesmaids was in 2020, I was 27. The wedding had ended in a free-for-all fight which was started by the groom's family who claimed that the food being served to the bride's family had more chunks of meat than theirs. 

The second to the last one didn't go well either. The couple divorced seven months after the wedding. 

The previous-previous one... The woman traveled abroad for further studies and got pregnant by a white dude.

So, you see? Aside from the fact that at this age, I didn't want to bridesmaid any woman, I was beginning to think that I was a marriage crash in my former life.

"Auntie, please. I don't have anyone."

"What of your friends? Your family members?"

"They will want me to buy them gowns and take care of them..."

Before nkor? Wasn't it what you were supposed to do? Especially since it's obvious you were singlehandedly footing the wedding bill, you should take care of this too.

But wait, why did I feel that this marriage would crash too? Now call me a hater or bearer of bad news, I know...I know... 

But I couldn't shake off the feeling that the marriage wasn't going to last. And God knew I didn't want to be part of it so when it finally crashed, I wouldn't add that to my name.

"Ife, please..." Aleruchi added, drawing close. 

Girl if I wooze you!!!

Ignoring my glare, she continued. "Come on now, girlfriend. Do this for the community—"

"Which community?"

"The girl's community nau."

"Mba." I shook my head. Couldn't everyone see that this girl was doing pass herself and that was a recipe for failure? Like. She could shift some of the expenses she was shouldering to the lax of a man she was getting married to and then use the free money for the care of a friend or family member who would gladly pose as her bridesmaid.

"Ah, Ife... Please nau. You can do this."

"But I don't want to. Besides, I don't even know if I'll be around to attend the wedding." another besides, who walked up to a random lady and asked her to be the bridesmaid? 

"But Ife, agree first. See...see...she really needs help. And don't forget you may meet men—"

"Ale get out." I interrupted and burst out in laughter when the yeye girl made a face. 

"Seriously, Ife. This could be God about to finally connect you with your own man."

"God has given all his eligible sons to his most dotted daughters. Nothing is left out there for people like us. Nothing but crayfish and sungu fish walking on two legs," I said with resignation, my mind making a backflip to Brother Oghene. No. He wasn't a crayfish and definitely not an azu sungu. A fine face that could stop breaths for seconds, a talking voice that made my secret places squirm, a perfect gentleman—I heard. 

But he was a mechanic! Not only that, he wasn't polished, his English...oh Jesus wept. The dude hadn't overcome the accent problem that followed him from the village—always confusing letter letter S for C. To top it all, he was every church pastor's favorite person. Oh, should I also tell all the married women in the church adored him?

Yes! Married women!

Because he was what? Nice! A simp!

Which girl wanted to be seen with a man like that? Not me, of course. 

"So, are you going to do it?" Ale asked. 

"Do what?" 

"Be the bridesmaid now. See, I am making the bride and her train of girls up. I promise to pay extra attention to you."

"Idiot. I can make myself up," I replied. 

And so went the conversation. Back and forth, back and forth until I couldn't say no.

It was another hour before I left there armed with the happy bride's phone number, a feeling of foolishness prickling my skin because, again, I had allowed myself to be talked into what I swore not to do again. 

And guess who I saw standing, with his back on the road, buying bole from Mama Amazing Grace, at the other side of the road as I was about to enter my car?

Brother Oghene. 

Ah, chineke nna. Could one ever catch this guy clean and fresh, without this his grease coated cover-all, and dirty smeared skin on ordinary 

I've only seen him dress and smell nice on Sundays or evenings during church programs. 

I didn't wait for him to turn and see me, got no time to exchange pleasantries with someone who was at the bottom of the list of the men I'd date. 

You wouldn't call me vain now, would you? I talked to everyone no matter their looks, class, or education. But it was obvious what this guy wanted, and he seemed not to understand my rejection. 

Maybe I should change my style.

Anyway. This story was about how I made the Depreye, a weapon fashioned against me, right? 

Sorry, I digressed a bit. But don't worry. I'll let you all about it next week.

Forgive me for taking you on a merry-go-round with this episode.