Rosemary Writes

Ifenkili   Should I, should I not? The fried rice I ordered tasted like cost accounting, but I savored it with joy and gladness because finally, it was happening—I was on a date in one of the costliest restaurants in Port Harcourt, with a very handsome man. Even though his multi-colored jacket reminded me of Egusi soup, it fit him perfectly, and I adored his shoes, his wristwatch, and the way he smiled and laughed in New Time Roman. A week later, he insisted on gifting me a new iPhone and took my phone number. However, he ghosted me afterward—no calls, no messages, not even to ask if the phone was working perfectly, the kind of excuses men give just to hear the voice of the woman they're attracted to. Mhm-mhm. Nothing. I had his number too, but pride and some shame prevented me from dialing it. "If the mountain cannot come to Mohamed, let Uncle Moha go to the mountain nau," Aleruchi suggested when I confided in him about the situation. "D

                               𝐓𝐰𝐨        𝐒𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐰-𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐰-𝐩𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐫𝐬 The next time someone would suggest that I become a chief bridesmaid for anyone ehn, 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑎 𝑐𝒉𝑖, the beating I would give that person...I would flatten that person to the ground and sit on his or her chest as my grandmother did to her 𝑛𝑤𝑢𝑛𝑦𝑒𝑑𝑖 last Christmas. Death would be too good for that person. Tell me why I just lost my newly acquired iPhone 13 Pro Max to a man I thought was one of the groom’s men but later realized he wasn’t. The dude happened to wear the same blue senator suit as the other guys, got himself busy lifting things and running errands like every other groom’s man while his eyes and mind ran to and fro like the biblical devil who presented himself in a meeting meant for just the sons of God, a meeting he wasn’t invited.  The craziest thing was I couldn’t figure out if it was while I was running around like a headless chicken, trying to please the annoying br

Looking for a husband in Port Harcourt is not for the faint-hearted ni.  When people said that nearly every man in Lagos is mad, hmm... them never meet Port Harcourt men o.   Those one's na principalities and powers. And if you come dey unlucky come jam the church bros among them... Ah, my sister, sister. Na weapons fashioned against you be that o.  Anyway. Na me go find trouble. No. I mustn't blame myself. It was my village people who wouldn't allow me to drink water and drop cup because I was thirty and yet to drag a man down to the village to pay my bride price.  The last time I attended our family meeting, I couldn't count the many times I was reminded of my single pringlehood. Every little pim I uttered earned me a side-eye from my mother whom I knew would have asked me to hide under the bed if she could because Ukamaka and Erimma, my much younger cousins were coming for the meeting and they were all married with kids.  I deliberately chose to be part o